A Modest Proposal To Eliminate That Overdraft

A Modest Proposal To Eliminate That Overdraft

by Asher Keren

With the government and the Bank of Israel squeezing the Israeli private and small business sectors to eliminate their overdrafts, a lot of people are feeling the pressure. Of an estimated five million accounts in Israel’s five major banks, over three million accounts need to establish a new credit limit. But for at least one brave soul out there, I have a modest proposal that could make millions of dollars, and relatively quickly, say a matter of weeks or months, depending on how quickly the idea is acted upon.

The genesis of this end all financial worry idea is located, interestingly enough, in Barcelona, Spain. There is a company there called Polyphonic HMI and what they have proposed to achieve, no more and no less, is to make the music industry completely predictable. Specifically, they have developed software that can analyze a new song and the artist singing it, and predict whether it will turn into a hit or not. Their software measures the musical traits, such as melody, harmonic variation, beat, tempo, rhythm, pitch and chord progressions of known current hits. By comparing these proven hit quality parameters with any new song, they hope to predict whether the new song has a chance of making the top of the hit list, and therefore making millions of dollars. Although they do not state as much, one possible danger of this strategy is that anyone that has this software could tailor craft a new song according to what direction the parameters define. And that would lead to the end of creativity as we know it; the final knockdown by commercial interests over artistic inspiration.

I started wondering to myself if this creation of Polyphonic HMI from Barcelona was really such a new thing. Perhaps it is for the music industry, although both the music and movie industries for years already have relied on the innate human software of their executives to do much the same thing. Still, as we all know, humans are far less perfect than advanced software which is, I suppose, why the Spanish company has tried to eliminate the human factor completely. After pondering this development for a few minutes, I came to realize that our leftist Israeli and enlightened world culture is no less as computer predictable as anything that Polyphonic HMI could develop, at least within the political sphere. This led me immediately to the money making scheme. Remember, this is an article about eliminating the bank overdraft.

So, here is the modest proposal, and as I am sure you will all agree, there is no need for advanced software in predicting the unprecedented financial success that anyone following this idea will achieve. This suggestion is especially suited for anyone living in Judea and Samaria, but with some originality it can be applied to all right wingers, especially those living in Israel. For now, however, let’s use a settler as the paradigm of this get rich scheme. Here goes: what would happen if a settler were to write a book publicly renouncing anything that he has believed in until today? Yes, that is the entire idea but please just think about it for a bit while I explain.

A settler from Judea and Samaria writes a book saying that he has seen the light, that after all of these years he has finally understood that the settlements are immoral and the entire reason for Middle East tensions to boot. This settler than can tell of how he has started to help Palestinians in the planting of their olive trees, how he has helped establish social clubs so that Arab men can meet Jewish women in order to eradicate all false cultural definitions, such as religion and nationality. This settler could even do far better by describing, let’s say, a meeting with fellow settlers whereby he finally saw the devils for what they really and truly are, fascist warmongers without any regard for Palestinian rights and for the basic humanitarian goals of the recently founded Jewish state. He could write of the corrupt and fascist principles of the Eretz Yisrael Hashlema ideology which has created a curse for the entire region, as well as being the direct cause for the 9/11 tragedy in the United States. Pray tell, this settler would finally admit that Israel’s victory in the Six Day War was the beginning of our internal deceit and our ultimate demise, unless quickly and entirely reversed.

This settler will find a publisher, and a major one at that, in approximately ten minutes after he sends his spectacular admissions and revelations out over the internet. Within days his book will become an international bestseller and he will likely be invited to all the important Israeli television programs, from the news to Yair Lapid. He will be courted by the Who’s Who of Israeli society and will mingle with journalists, politicians, academics, models and actors. It is hoped that this particularly savvy entrepreneur also speaks English and several European languages; chiefly French and German, as he will for sure make the rounds as a special and feasted guest in the world’s capitals while his book is translated into at least forty languages. If he plays his cards right, he may even get his own TV show while also being the obvious candidate to write and sing Israel’s next entry into the Eurovision contest, which will, of course, win hands down, even without the aid of the Polyphonic HMI software package.

This idea, I must add quite modestly, is a guaranteed winner! There are those of you that may have moral problems with this proposal, but that is only because you have not read on to the end. You see, the catch is, that after this particular marketing genius has made his millions and closed hermetically and forever his overdraft, he than tells the world that it was all a joke. He really didn’t mean anything by it at all and is still firmly ensconced in his Jewish and Zionist settler ideologies. He just needed a few bucks and also, along the way, wanted to show his newly found friends that they were as predictable as the morning sun, something even more eternally accurate than some high tech software.

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